ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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