We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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