She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Everclear isn't food dammit
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
