I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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