i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
