Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hello my rib-scented angel!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Text me some of your sweat
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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