maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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