Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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