Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
