i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
