just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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