Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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