We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize