shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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