Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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