Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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