Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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