You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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