How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
