i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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