I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
