you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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