that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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