C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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