he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
