Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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