I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
it was like eating out sand paper
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
