Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
