is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Shame is for Republicans.
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