Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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