Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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