I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
