I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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