So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
