there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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