Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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