You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
