He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
What a dumb baby whore.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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