I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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