When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
