just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
