She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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