The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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