No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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