The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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