ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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