my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
