i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
