There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
