he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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