Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
