i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
