Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
3pm strippers are depressing
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
