walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
