the condom got lost in my hair
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
