Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
