well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my being single is dangerous.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
