Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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