If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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